The Story About a Mom who Failed

The story about a mom who failed 

I want to tell you a story about a mom who failed. She failed at so many things that she was brought to believe, in her darkest moments, that her very existence was a hinderance to her family. Now before you stop and think, “This is mom is nuts, I am glad I am not her.” or worse, “ I don't want to read this, its too sad.” I would persuade you to stay a little while longer. This story has a happy beginning. 

This mom wasn't sad because she wanted to be more involved with her kids. This mom wasn't able to participate in her kids lives. She wasn't sad because she wanted to cook better dinners. This mom couldn't cook dinners at all. And she wasn’t sad because she wished she could be better at maintaining the house, or doing the laundry. She wasn't doing any of it, much less, wanting to improve. This mom was barely able to touch her children. She could hardly withstand the emotions as she listened to their excited voices when they came home from school, which only made her more incompetent and more distant. This mom was me. 

IT was January 2010, and I was the perfect mom and wife, or pretty darn close. (At least that's the past "fantasy" that I like to tell myself). After a year and half, I had just lost 45 lbs and was at my ideal weight. I had a great job working from home, where I perfectly balanced my home life, my church life, and my work life. (or so I thought). And I had just decided to start my own company two month prior. I was cute, I was strong, and I was living my dream. We lived in a small town, with kind people and great neighbors. I really believed that I had deserved this great life.  I had a core belief that I had had enough trials in my life, and that I deserved a break. And I was living that ‘break’ right now.  A few weeks prior, my husband and I talked about how great our life was, our marriage, our kids. We had a vision board. We both worked from home (for different companies) and we ate lunch together every day. We were living the dream. OR at least the dream we thought we wanted. 

And then IT happened. IT was awkward, and would turn my world and my family's world upside down. IT had snuck in slowly and then by storm. And when IT hit, everything changed, and it changed fast. 

IT started when I was sitting in church and I turned to my husband. “IT is happening again. I cant feel my legs.” Slowly the sensation moved up my body and over my head. The weight that filled my being was beyond description. My body felt like it was in a Coma, and I never wanted to wake up. I was completely conscious and could hear everything around me, but I couldn't see and I couldn't move. Part of my brain was completely comfortable, and the other part, was completely freaking out. One side was soothing me “ Awww this feels so nice. I am so relaxed.” While the other side of my brain was screaming “ Jodi, this is not good!! Jodi, try to move! Come on Jodi!!!!! Your family is freaking out!! Just TRY!!”  But despite the panic in my brain, I couldn't move. 

I could hear and I could understand but I couldn't move. 

And that is when my life truly started to change. It was that moment, when I realized that I am not exempt. Not only am I not exempt, but that life was not always about life and death. Sometimes it's about life and suffering.  And then life, and then a different life, and then a totally new life. And if you are lucky, as I have been, a better life. After weeks of Dr. visits, and months of being “in the hallway” of life, I was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder called Cataplexy with Narcolepsy. I had sudden onset cataplexy.  A disease where my body confuses emotions with dreaming, and in order to protect myself, my brain paralyzes my entire body, just like I am sleeping in the middle of the night. The only catch, my brain is still awake, but my body is asleep. When I have an episode, I can hear and process everything, but I can't move.  

I remember the initial excitement when I found out! “Oh my gosh! I'm not going to die!!” I hugged my husband and my mom. We wept. I went paralyzed. And then immediately the thought followed, “How am I going live?” This wasn't a question about survival, it was about impact. 

I have always believed that I was going to make an impact on the world. Not in a small way, but in a big way. And now, I had no idea how that would happen. 

How was I ever going to be a good mom? A good wife? A good person when I could barely feel emotions without falling to the ground? 

It's been a long 5 years with lots of ups and downs. And I would love to share my story about how I manage my great family with 6 kids, a full time job, and a butt kicking disease. I am hoping that by writing this blog, flawless moms, I can share with you the coping tools I use to strategically plan my emotions each day and cope with life on life's terms. I am not an expert. But I am a mom. A mom who believes that life is meant to be enjoyed, not suffered through. A mom who relies heavily on her Savior, her friends, her family, and her husband to help her see that life is bigger than the trials that challenge us everyday. That we are more than our suffering. We are more than our daily failures. And with the healing power of the atonement, and the healing power of love and forgiveness, we can rise above our struggles and have those moments when we see our life for what it really is, and realize that perhaps when this is all over, we are exactly who we are suppose to be, with all of our imperfections and short comings.... we are flawless.