Parenting From My Bed

It had been three weeks since I was carried out of church like a dead deer. It had been three weeks since I had cussed in front of everyone I had grown to respect and love, just before going back into my "fake"coma.  I had a lot to reflect about.
I couldn't shower myself. I couldn't do my hair. I couldn't hardly get dressed. All my cloths were business professional. Somewhere in my closet, we found old yoga pants and a t-shirt that I had from years back. I had an a-line hair cut that I could no longer take care of.

I was one hot mama.

But in all my reflections of the past 3 weeks, something haunted me more than being paralyzed. More than being in a wheelchair. More than not being able to work......

How was I going to be a mom?

My stomach turned with anxiety. I prayed.  Okay, praying is an understatement. I cried. I cried heavily to God. And even though my intense crying caused my body to go cataplectic- I kept on talking to Him.

Because as I laid there, trapped in my broken body, and surrounded by so much unknown, I was clear about one thing....  God could hear me.

I begged Him. I wanted Him to heal me. I asked Him questions.

How can I be a good mom?  How can I teach my kids?

Then I made my "case" with my list of cant's.

I can't hold them. I can't run with them in the yard. I can't do their hair, or see them off to school each day. I can't help my 2 year old son get a snack or bathe.

I felt sad. I felt confused. I felt ashamed.

And then I felt the only thing I had left.... Faith.

In the past weeks, I had gone through this cycle over and over. Sad, Confused, Ashamed, FAITH.

Having all these emotions at once was new to me, and sometimes, I would cycle between all of the emotions within minutes, multiple times a day.

And then my oldest daughter, Joselyn came to visit me. She sat at the end of my bed. She looked at me. I held her hand. I began to cry.

And then my body fell asleep.

Dang it!!

I wanted to comfort her!  I was her mother!!

I wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay. That I was going to be okay.  I wanted to tell her that I would be better soon. That I would be the mother she needed.

 But I couldn't.

 It felt impossible. How could I hold her when it made me crumble into her arms?

After a few minutes,  I woke up and looked into her big brown eyes. Her straight blonde hair was pulled back into a simple pony tail. Another reminder that she was doing her own hair.

I felt the shame, but she interrupted my thoughts.

"Mom.. can I tell you something?"

I looked at her and faintly smiled, secretly afraid that my heart would burst in pain.

" I thought I knew you before...." She looked at me carefully. She placed her small little hand on mine. " But I feel like I really know you now."

I was stunned.

"What do you mean sweetheart?" I asked as my heart leaped and fear began to leave.

"We were always so busy before. But now, when I come into your room, you're  here." Her eyes filled up with emotion.  "You're not on the phone or in a meeting. I can come and talk to you."

Then she laughed. "Even if you go out (code for "fall asleep") , I know you can hear me!"

 A new emotion came into my heart. One I hadn't felt for what seemed like forever.   HOPE.

My body fell asleep.

But this time, it didn't bother me.

Because I could HEAR her.

She sat with me. She held my hand. She told me about her day. And as I laid there with my eyes closed, limp and unable to respond, I realized that for today, I was enough.

Because for today, Joselyn needed a Mom who could listen, and I could do that.

She didn't need a mom who could run outside, or do her hair, or look super cute in her fancy cloths. She needed a listening ear.

She needed me.

And I was enough. My HOPE turned into JOY.

Maybe God heard me after all.

I have added in this portion. I often write questions to help me answer so I can sort through my pain, or the emotions that keep me paralyzed. I hope this helps someone. 

Reflection:

What is one thing that I can do today that I am not recognizing?

What is the impact of that one skill?

Do I have faith that God can provide for their other needs?